Well, here I am, turning 44 in a few days. Doesn’t feel like too long ago that I was turning 14. I suppose it is though.
At 14, I had a fresh perm that I prayed would change my life and give me the attention I so craved at school. Boy did it work. That perm was a ticket straight to hell.
At 14, I stepped away from trauma being inflicted on to me and stepped in to creating my own, where I stayed and partied for a long time. Stuck retracing steps and hovering close to what was familiar, no matter how much it was breaking me.
Until I had had enough. One foot in front of the other.
And here I am at almost 44 with the distance between me and that other version of me growing wider. One breathe at a time.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d kill for some curly hair right now but it’s no longer about turning someone else’s head. The days of perms and self abandonment are long gone.
As my focus and priorities shift year by year and decade by decade. So does my heart. What used to be an intense pursuit for perfection seems to have been replaced by an increased need to focus on simple health and healing of body, mind and heart. Spending more time looking at what is there rather than what I can make of it.
Special moments have been dancing around in my mind as I move towards my birthday. The moments when my life intertwined with someone else’s. All the special people that jumped in and out of my life and perhaps, unbeknownst to them, extended to me a life line when, unbeknownst to me, I needed it the most. I have learned sooo much from sooo many people. Do they even know?
I stand observing this epic spectacle called my life, in deep gratitude for all the obstacles, hairdos and beautiful people who stood witness to my evolution. It couldn’t have been easy and I am forever thankful. I wonder if they know how much they impacted me? Do they know how much they mean to me, still? What are even the words to use when thank you and grateful just don’t cut it? How do I bundle up all the big feelings in my heart and put it in someone else’s?
Well without further adieu, happy birthday to me – I’ve got some work to do, words to find and people to love on.❤️
