I fell in with the wrong crowd. Made lots of wrong turns, bad choices and had some harmful relationships.
My mom supported it, said I was pretty and that would be all I needed in life.
I was mostly raised by my single struggling mother who had finally found the courage to leave my abusive father only to find that he took her courage with him when he left. She died inside. She did her version of her best to provide and take care of us. Which was pretty shitty, to be honest. When she wasn’t working, she was deep in self loathing which only always manifested in more harmful relationships. See, she was the pretty one too, once. Encouraged to leave her country and her family at 16, and marry a man she had never met, for the American Dream.
Thanks, I’m still pretty but I spent most of my life breathing like I was being chased by a bear, engulfed in self loathing. Moving through life being terrified of the world and its occupants. Making confused decisions with my heart asleep. I felt cornered and like a caged bird for most of my life.
I spent years with therapists, wrestled with various prescription medications promising to soothe my broken spirit. I have starved, stuffed, worked, cleaned, scrubbed, drank, worried, paced and exercised myself to death.
Don’t worry I’m far from “saved”. I still struggle with anxiety, still judge myself heartily, still feel insecure or not good enough. Only now I breathe, slowly and intentionally. I center and I ground. I sweat and I purify. I am still and I am strong. I am here and I am now. I am perfect and I am imperfect. Day by day, moment by moment, doing my version of my best to guide myself back to me, back to Metta (loving kindness) – and setting free that caged bird. @twobirdsvinyasa
Be gentle and kind with yourselves, for we are all doing the best we can.
